cleaning out has it's hidden gems

Cleaning is a word i'm using lightly.  If you walked into my house today it looks like a tornado hit.  (Yesterday was my birthday and I decided I wanted to do nothing resulting a huge mess left for today, but it was worth it).  Anyway, cleaning has it's hidden gems.  I cleaned out William's backpack of school stuff he brought home (um, yes, that is about all I cleaned today).  I found a journal with a story written in it.  This story clearly illustrates to me why, even though I often hear it mentioned as a should do in parenting classes, tips, books, lists, etc., you should NOT let your children help decide the consequences.  I think it's just not something they understand.  If a child really understood why he/she was making a poor choice and why it isn't the right thing to do enough to come up with a reasonable consequence that fits the "crime" I really don't think he/she would have done it in the first place.  Just a thought.  Other than reinforcing my parenting philosophies it's also a little bit funny to imagine it happening.
Here's a clever little 2nd grade story written Jan. 15, 2012:
On a lovely summer day a little kid named Joe got a package.  He ordered it by himself and without his mom's permission.  His mom said he had to be punished.  In the package there was a magnifying glass and an exploring hat because he was an explorer.  The punishment was that he had to buy his mom a new car and a car is a lot of money.  It is about $198 and that is a lot.  He only had $48.  He had to steal it.  In the night he snuck out of bed with his magnifying glass.  He went into the car store.  he snuck the guys drivers license and stole the car.

I've been avoiding it, but I think it's worth mentioning once

Once upon a time when my oldest children were very small I was waiting for Brian after church.  I have a child that has a lot of energy.  When he was little I felt like he was actually bouncing off the walls.  For real.  I was tiredly chasing them around trying to herd to the car.  There was an older woman sitting on the couch in the foyer.  I didn’t really know her very well because she didn’t come very often because she was very sick with cancer.  She said, “I just love your children.  They are so wonderful!  You are such a good mom or your children wouldn’t be so happy.”  She made my day.  Make that my lifetime.  Maybe my eternal lifetime.  I will never forget it.  I decided I want to be that woman who sits on the couch and maybe fibs a little that those naughty kids are angels.  It is my life goal. (For those that know her it was Sister Jardine who I didn’t connect was her until it struck me at her funeral).

Monday I listened as a mom told me how her son is doing better, but struggling- the kids she would like her son to hang around with want nothing to do with him.  I listened.  Her son is bullied.  My kid used to be afraid to tell people what religion he is just because of how poorly this boy has been treated for being Jewish after their 4^th grade class read the diary of Ann Frank.  I was shocked that other kids would tell very distasteful jokes and give him notes with swastikas.  Disgusted. 

However, I know very well that the reason the “good kids want nothing to do with him” is not just because he’s a kid with a few quirks like this mom was saying. My son says Hi to him all the time and he tells my son Mormons should die.  He says, “don’t talk to me gay fag.”  Did I tell this mom that?  Nope.  I just listened.  I still think I should have just listened. 

I have told my son since the third or fourth grade when this kid started picking on him that clearly my son was this boy’s scapegoat. “Everyone picks on him so he needs to pick on someone else.  It doesn’t make it right, and I don’t ever want you to do that to anyone, but I’m not that kid’s mom, and it isn’t my place to discipline him.  Just be patient.  Just say “Hi”.  You don’t have to invite him over or play with him at recess, but you do have to be civil to everyone.”

We’ve had many dealings with types of bullying in our neighborhood/school/playground etc. with many different kids.  Some I’ve witnessed since I’m out there watching. My kids included.  I call my kids out on it when I see it and there are consequences.  Other parents aren’t watching and ask me to let them know. I never say.  I figure they probably already know their kid’s weaknesses.  Plus, if I actually told them every rude thing I saw I would be calling all of my neighbors nearly every day of the summer & who wants to be “that neighbor”?  Not me.  I want to be the lady on the couch.  So I’m patient.  But 10 years of watching kids when they are little be mean and parents not noticing or caring or thinking it’s funny or not knowing what to do about it and watching parents let their little kids watch violent movies and play violent video games and still doing those things and still have parents that seem totally clueless, I’m beginning to wonder if perhaps I’ve just been too nice.

Monday ( a couple weeks ago now) a student at my kids’ Jr. High committed suicide.  According to my kids that makes 5 years in a row.  They feel like the cause was bullying.  It’s not like they’ve never heard of bullying before.  There are so many lectures and assignments about bullying every student can probably recite with rolled eyes what is considered bullying, why it’s bad, and what to do.  So what’s the problem?  Why is there so much bullying?

I’m going to be very blunt and yes, I’m yelling at the world including you.  I’m not talking to everyone else, I’m talking to you.  So often we all hear messages about stop bullying and we say to ourselves, “Ya, everyone else, quit bullying me!”

Stop. 

Think.  Ask this:

Matthew 26:22 And they were exceeding sorrowful, and began every one of them to say unto him, Lord, is it I?”

Have you ever bullied anyone ever?  The answer is going to be yes.  Maybe you haven’t intentionally and maybe not very often, but I honestly cannot think of anyone I know well that hasn’t hurt someone or done something causing someone else to feel hurt or maybe just a little small including to yourself, including myself.  Everyone does it or has.    Knowing that everyone has had their unkind moments we can understand, we should forgive, but it is NOT an excuse.  My family is probably sick of hearing this line from me, but

just because it’s “normal” doesn’t mean it’s healthy! 

Stop!  Stop being mean!  It isn’t justified.  Being mean is not a synonym for being tough or standing up for yourself.  You cannot even have vengeance and “payback” in a peaceful society!  It is you and it IS your kid that is bullying!  Do something about it instead of making excuses for them!  It’s YOUR job while they are young! 

Decide today that you will not be mean.

Now that I am done yelling at you parents and children I’m going to say something very serious to all teens.

Your life is Hell.  It took everything in me to walk through the doors into school every school day.  I would go home miserable.  I thought I was ugly and worthless.  I didn’t fit in anywhere.  I was never even bullied the way some kids are, but it was still the toughest thing I’ve EVER had to do. 

I made it.  I survived.  Life does get better. Immensely better.  Amazingly better!  I can now look back and see that I was not ugly or worthless.  I have even had times where I realize I'm a better me for having gone through it.  The road may seem long, but you will not be in junior high and high school forever.  You CAN survive it.  I’m rooting for you. 

I’m done.  I’m going back to a happy place on the couch now.  You are awesome by the way.